Book about a Party
I had gone to a party recently, in my audacity, I did something I hate after building up false hope and wearing cope-laden scales atop my eyes. The result was as you would expect, I got excited for nothing, and nothing really came out of it. Maybe, nothing good, because I felt just awful from the moment I stepped inside that large room.
First of all, while going there I almost lost what makes me not blind, and by a stroke of half-luck I managed to get it back. But the relief was short-lived, once inside the bus, I already felt uneasy. There were not that many people there, but enough people to make me feel bad just by existing. It was clear I was the foreign element there, people kept glancing at me, their eyes said everything, "wait, who is this?", "Since when was someone there?", or either just ignored me without a passing thought.
Now you may think it's awfully ahead of myself to deduce someone's thoughts like that, and yeah it IS a stupid and not healthy thing to do, but let's just say I am a professional, okay? I've been through this many times at this point, and whether it was or not true, the situation itself was already a stage set, a social play of the outcast, the left-out, the stranger.
But I am tougher than that, I had some music and the bus window, that was more than enough for me to survive that place and moment. Listening to songs I like made me calmer and reassured me, all I had to do was just put up with it for a little longer, at which point it was a breeze.
But it only gets worse from here, once I got there, it was clear I was there early. The place was almost empty, the chairs and tables were plentiful, the food was set and the stage was being prepared, and… I didn't really have much to do. I stood beside some of the food tables, filled with bite-sized pieces of fruits and cheese, and I got fed up with it quickly. I had my phones but their batteries were limited and I had to save them to get back home, so I avoided using them as much as I could…
I was left just staring at other people, the waiters, the organizers setting things up, the barmen and girls ready to serve drinks and cocktails, and well, besides staring I was just thinking and already regretting being there. It made me realize that you don't really go to these kinds of places alone, and doesn't really mean just another person, but another of your kind. I was like oil floating in the water there, I couldn't blend in at all, so I just stayed in the shadows and hoped it would end soon, before it even started.
As the hours passed, people started gathering, I was seeing as the place got filled bit by bit. It felt like being a dying animal on the sidewalk, watching ants gather to nibble at my flesh, though in this case the ants just gathered around me instead of paying any attention to me at all. But don't get me wrong, I wasn't there craving for attention or anything, I was craving for a purpose or a meaning for me to be at that place, eating my heart out for no reason, feeling a bitterness far from anything sweet.
After what felt like an eternity, or nothing at all, the place was already full, some hours of presentation had gone by, with a band that I had never heard of in the center of the stage, doing their thing there. It was not for me at all, but I had to recognize their talents. There were the █████ singers and dancers too, still not my thing, but I have to say, I liked the energy, and the women dancers, even the male one, were mesmerizing to watch, like I couldn't take my eyes off them.
And then came the last and main attraction, a guy with funny hair and an eccentric personality. To be honest, I didn't like his vibe at all, he sang for like almost 3 hours, and at some point I was getting pissed off by how many times they extended his time there, I just wanted to go home and people kept asking for more.
It all just made me feel so helpless, I felt like a mule among horses, or something like that, this is not my best analogy. Either way, at some point I felt like I could just cry if anything else made me feel worse, but at the very least, it was the peak of my dissatisfaction, after that I just became hollow, I watched as the crowd danced, familiar faces amongst them, some with smiles I never thought they could make, a lot of people were loving it, some maybe drunk, but in everyday life some of these people look so grumpy.
If that awful time I was having was what made people this happy, I could only feel utterly and completely detached, and extremely lonely, the kind that no matter how much time I spent by myself, it wouldn't even compare. That hurt like a chainsaw slashing through my chest. Almost tearing up, I decided to get away from the stage, to the farthest corner. I spent the remaining time there along with some other familiar faces.
I got home pretty late that day, I had to spend a lot of money just to get home since it was so late no buses were running anymore. The only thing I felt was regret and a brewing resolution to never involve myself in this kind of thing again, I even considered isolating myself for some days, but well, I guess more than anything, I felt tired, and these feelings would not carry on to the next day.